Category Archives: SlebWatch

Mommy, Will I Look Like That When I Grow Up?

Posted on October 6, 2008 | 12 Comments

This image literally attacked my eyes in my local shop when all I did was go in for twenty fags and a packet of Hula Hoops. Look at her! LOOK AT HER! Apparently she lives on this planet, the same planet that you and I live on. Yet, she looks so different to what my mirror and me see, when we want to see each other, that is.

Where in the name of bazookas did she get those things? That grocery store should be penalised for making a slip of a thing like her carry such huge watermelons! Although, I’ve heard this girl attempt to speak and bless, she doesn’t seem like she can also carry a big old brain as well as half the contents of the Tesco veg aisle. As for those knickers! Well, I presume she calls them knickers, I would refers to what she has around her arse as a serviette for mice going on a picnic. That is all. *Faints in need of some carbs*

 

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Posted in Me Likey Me No Likey, SlebWatch

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Kreepy Knightley; Eat More, Pout Less

Posted on September 26, 2008 | 1 Comment

I. Just. Can’t. Stand. Her. Every time I see her concave body tightly stitched into some designer red carpet gown I just want to force a tub of Ben & Jerry’s down her gob. And then keep it shut, so she can’t do that pouty thing that seems to come oh so naturally to her.

 

Viewed sideways she needs every inch of a huge Victoriana hat from her by what must be vast collection by now in order to actually have a profile. Viewed sideways, she could easily be mistaken for a rather tall tree with only leaves on top, that’d be her, ahem, cascading curls in reality. The full frontal is a Wes Craven poster in itself! All startled bunny eyes and open mouth; a look practised by, no doubt, oh so many trying to get in the adult film industry.

Close your mouth, Love! Please! And don’t, DON’T open it again if all you’re going to do is moan that you’ve been trying for 10years to put weight on and that people just don’t understand that you’re ‘naturally thin’. Phooey! You are that thin because, perhaps being an actress, you can’t operate a telephone and dial Domino’s. You’re that thin because maybe, maybe the McDonald’s Drive Thro menu confuses you! Or else you’re sorely mistaken that ‘twiglet’ is an attractive look!

 

You’d look so much better if you looked as though you ate more than twice a month. Maybe then you’d be able to close your mouth and not automatically catch some flies and blame the extra calories on an accident.

I need to lie down. You get me so worked up that I can’t even begin to get into what a bad actress you are right now.

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